LOST: 30-something Woman

late 30's

It's official.
Over the weekend, I can no longer stay in the comfort of mid-30's I've crossed the threshold to LATE-30's.

Oy.

No worries. As I've changed the saying......Another year older, totes the wiser.

Veggie Guilt

First let me respond to a comment that was made in one of my recent posts, "Get Your Facts Straight, Dude"

Wow.

I shuttered when I read P.Watson's comment, that this guy was possibly "interviewing" me? For something sinister? Really? I suppose it's possible. I immediately went to Amazon and looked up the book this commenter mentioned. I read the first few pages of the excerpt from the book. I see what the commenter was saying.

Freakish. I am hoping that he was just a clueless,lacking finesse sort of guy and not someone on the hunt to hurt or assault someone! Scary.

Ok.....back to my usually scheduled musings of my increasingly laughable dating life.....

I went out with Mr.PC on Friday. I had expected it to be a meet & great and I should mention for the record that I explained to him during our ONE phone call last Wednesday what a "meet & great" is. He made reference to himself in an email that he was a "meetee". All very funny and cute. Mr. PC and I had about one week's worth of emailing. Very funny, dare I say, awesome emailing! I was getting excited to meet him, but I also was trying to keep a level-head b/c really there is always what I'll call the "reality-disappointment." We'd bat emails back and forth each day. We spoke for about 45 mins when he called and we laughed and had fun thru the whole thing.

He convinced me to meet him near his sister's place where he was dog-sitting, to take the pup out for a walk before we headed out for our drink. I was uncertain, but he made his case and I agreed. I met him outside of his sister's building with her dog and we walked around the block and chatted. He looked like his pictures (handsome), dressed-well and the dog....well, she was ADORABLE. Good strategy on his side, dogs are a key to many people. He made a comment later in the evening that the dog is a chick/guy magnet. Well played, Mr. PC!

What was missing though was the funny, light, charismatic guy that I had been emailing and spoke with. He seemed.....I don't know... off. After we dropped off the dog, we headed out for a drink. During drinks, it became clear to me that something was off. But before, I get to that. Let me say that during our conversation, I confirmed that he was a vegetarian. He had very subtly mentioned it in his profile and I asked when we had drinks.

I have nothing against vegetarians. I have friends who are. I've had family members who were. I get it. I am not. I am full out carnivore. However, for me? I'm not sure I could date a veggie. I think it absolutely could work! Totally. But, I don't think it will work if I feel like I am going to be the one penalized and judged for NOT being one. I asked friends for more public thoughts. Most (not veggies) didn't think they could date a vegetarian. Although ALL agreed that it depended how militant the person was and ALL agreed that it does work.

Mr. PC is a really good guy. Smart, well-traveled, funny, attractive to me. But....there was something off. Since I don't know him well and it seemed so different to the person I'd gotten to know over the last week. And b/c it FELT safe and ok to say something, I did. I asked him if he was ok. He looked at me and seemed to already know where I was going. He said, "Why? Do I seem off?" I replied, "yes". He said he felt like he was still carrying something that his boss had said to him as he was leaving work. He told me what happened and I got it. In fact, sometimes I feel the same way and it can be distracting. I said that I understood, but if he felt like he wasn't up for hanging out anymore, we could just call it a night and meet up again some other time. I mean, I was in a place where I thought,I would be interested in getting to know him more and didn't think he was going to be a jerk at all.  I liked him fundamentally. He declined and said no. He said he was actually thinking of where we could go to dinner.

He suggested we go to an indian place. I agreed. We ordered, he suggested lightly that if I wanted anything with meat in it, it would be fine. I said it wasn't a problem. Indian food veggie style is delicious to me! However, as the meal went on. I suddenly found myself attracted to him, but then acutely aware that it also wasn't going to work. While he wasn't outright about it.....I felt myself with veggie guilt.

He's green (as in environmental). He doesn't wear leather. He works for an environmental cause.  His wallet was made of hemp and gaffer tape. He yells at people in Central Park when they don't recycle correctly in the appropriate bins -- even if they are foreign and don't speak/read english. He bikes to work. He is veggie in all shapes and ways.

Me? While I am environmentally conscious. Am not those things. I started judging myself. Feeling like he might judge me b/c I wasn't those things. He didn't say so. But, he started to judge. I FELT IT. Real or not.

I came to the conclusion that I felt inadequate.

Dinner became increasingly quiet.

I felt perturbed. I felt annoyed b/c I didn't want to believe that something like a choice of how to live life would be a problem. But, it was. We shared a taxi to a mutual corner. Our taxi went the wrong way and we went right by where he needed to go, I suggested that we could stop and I could go on. He said no. We stood on the street corner. I felt bad b/c I did like him and quiet honestly I didn't know where he stood on things. I thanked him for dinner and said it was nice to finally meet him. He said likewise. For some reason, I felt I needed confirmation of what I already knew. I don't usually do that in these situations. But,I said, "do we want to consider doing this again?" He said, "not sure". And while it did sort of sting. I knew that I agreed.

He kissed me on the cheek and said good night.

I was disappointed that it wasn't going to get to a first date, even though we spent the entire evening together that FELT like a first date (under the guise of a meet & greet). A perfectly nice guy. But, alas. No chemistry and not right again.

Veggie guilt.

Damn you.

Creepy

This is NOT in the spirit of Halloween....but, I just got a creepy email from someone online. The photo of the profile looks like a haunting painting of a woman, but the profile is from a 37 yr old MARRIED white male. It said,...

........you are so pretty and feminine. so lucky to be a girl....xoxox :) ...............

*Shutter*

 Eww.

Get your facts straight, dude

If you are single, they say that you should always be on the lookout b/c all around you there are single men who could be a potential date. I've heard people say, "always look good b/c you could meet someone at the grocery store, at Starbucks at the bank". Sure, but in my experience it's never been good. Am I generalizing? Perhaps. I am only speaking from my experience. Several years ago, I got hit on by a guy while waiting on line at Home Depot. He was a dud....nay ...he turned stalker like.

I was at Barnes & Noble one night recently, not near my home. I was in one of the Fiction aisle looking for a few titles. To tell you the truth, I didn't think I was looking my best. I was in Vans, cargo pants, tshirt and a cardigan, unwashed hair.  Suddenly, I heard, "Excuse me, Miss? I don't mean to bother you....". I looked up and it's this sort of husky looking blond short spikey haired guy, in a leather jacket, denim shirt and jeans, clutching his Blackberry. I guess-timate, he was in his mid-30's. He continued, ".....I'm not from around here. I just met with my laywer (it was nearly 9pm) and I am looking for a convience store. Is there one around here?" My gut was thinking, "who meets with a lawyer this late and why do you need to tell me that?".

I said that there wasn't much, he'd have to drive a mile or 2 away and there was a CVS drugstore and maybe a gas station that had a small set-up. Sorry, dude, can't help. I go back to my book. "Um...ya, there is nothing around here. Are you from around here?". No, I responded. He starts to tell me where he is from, how he wants to spend more time in the city...la-la-la. He asks me what I do for a living. Where I work. At this point, I'm very clear that he is clearly hitting one b/c he just keeps TALKING about nothing! I reach for another book off the shelf and I even open it up and proceed to skim the first page, indicating...."DUDE. I am not interested!"

At some point he made a comment talking about some celebrity and how he doesn't get why they so crazy. Again. WTF? Still not interested. Then here it comes.....he says, "Are you chinese?". I say, "yes". He says, "From Hong Kong?". "No, my family is from Taiwan.". (let's also note. I'm taiwanese-american. born in the USA, ok? No accent here.)

He says, "Right, well that's the same thing as China. I mean it's all in the same region. It's all in the southeast asia".

UM....NO! You dingbat. It's not. Now, I'm not going to enter into the political discussion and disagreements on Taiwan not being part of China. That there is hostility between the 2 countries. The fight for indepedance, etc. I'll put that all aside, but get your geography right, dude if you want to be "in the know", which was clearly his intent.

I raised my eyebrow at him and said clearly, "Actually. It's not." He says, "Yes it is. It's south of Hong Kong". "No, actually. It's NORTH of Hong Kong." He continues to insist he's correct, putting his hands into a prayer position and aiming them down towards the ground to indicate south. Me - "I'm telling you. It's not. Trust me." He says, "Well, if you say so. I mean what I do I know? I'm just some blond white dude."

EXACTLY, you dumbass.

OK...so a few things.....

1) If you are going to put it out there to insist you know your geography of Asia...then get it freaking right.

2) If someone who has told you that you are wrong, you might want to back down a bit and not be indignant!

3) Pick up on body language cues and VERBAL cues when someone wants you to leave them alone!

He then said, "You clearly would know, I guess, where it is. Well, I don't want to bother you anymore....thanks. It was good talking to you." and he sulked off. I almost wanted to scoff loudly. But, i didn't. I finalized my book selection and as I was going towards the register. I saw him again, just aimlessly wandering the book aisles, at a swift pace, clearly he wasn't looking at book. Is he looking for his next target? At this point, they made the annoucement in the store that it was closing. I saw him out of the corner of my eye and thought, "please, don't get into line" moreover I wanted to make sure we didn't exit the store at the same time for fear we'd have another moment at the door.

In hindsight, I wished I had thought quicker and said, "You don't believe me? Why don't you just trot on over the Geography section and pull out an atlas and look where Taiwan is....we are in a bookstore afterall". But, that's not really my style. Although, damn....it would've been hella funny if I had!

Age-pectations

Drinks and dinner w/30 yr old British Consultant Crush?

Check.

20th high school reunion catch-up?

Check.

Fall arriving and me giving up wearing open-toe shoes?

Not exactly.

Strange online dating messages?

Check.

My evening out with 30yo British Boy (herein as Brit Boy) was a blast! Don't worry. I'm not delusional that it's going to turn into something, but did we have fun!! He still has no idea how old I am. It came up when he said something like, "Well, I don't know how old you are...." I think he was hoping I'd fill in the blank and for the first time I didn't. I usually disclose b/c I'm acutely aware of how OLD I am, but I'm changing in it up. We say age ain't nothin' but a number, but it is and it isn't. Brit Boy and I were out until 1am on a school night. Luckily, being OLDER, I know my limits these days and took my foot off the gas a few before he did. What was really refreshing and fun about hanging out with him is that it was a very good reminder that when you do "click" or find chemistry with someone, it's great. It's easy, natural and feels just great. And let me say, that I'm not even talking about the sexual chemistry. Just pure connection and ease. I feel like we have that and even if it's not reciprocated, it was nice to remember why I wait and look for it.

It turns out that Brit Boy has been seeing a girl for about 6-7 wks now. We talked about it b/c we are friends. It was interesting b/c he said he was surprised by it all b/c he really had not been looking for it. Um, isn't that when it happens? He said that since he is only in NYC for a 2 yrs stint before going back to the UK, he just thought he'd have fun. He said, "I get irked easily and I have yet to find anything about her that irks me". I pointed out that maybe he should just go with it....you never know.  Drinks went to dinner, to more drinks. Later in the evening one of his friends joined us, handsome fellow. Brit Boy was quick to point out that he was single and not leaving in 2 yrs, as he gave me a wink. See! It's platonic! But the bonus is possibly hanging out with Brit Boy opens the door to meeting more NEW people. Preferred single and men!  All good. He emailed me the next day to make sure I got home ok and to say that he had a great time. He is already up for another night out. Again....I'm not delusional. I have a new friend who is cool and fun. As I advised him, I'm just going with it.

I didn't actually go to the formal high school "prom revisited" last weekend. But, I did get ample time to catch up with some friends who were in town for it. It's fascinating. You don't seem someone for 15yrs and somehow within moments you remember maybe the reason why. Or the fact that they are still incredibly dull. We ran into more people while out and about over the weekend and there was always this slight awkward air about the interaction. I suppose that's normal. I also noted that I didn't really know many of the people we ran into. This validated my decision not to go to the actual party. The next day, talking  to Franklin and his wife for the recap, it seemed that he was only mildly thrilled with the evening -- not to mention most of the people he mentioned who were there were people who once again I had never had a conversation with or just didn't know.  20 yrs. Crazy. I hear they want to do a 25th yr one. Really? Is that necessary? Franklin is already harassing me about the 30 yr. He wanted a commitment right there. Um, no, dude.

Recently, I noted that while my profile exists online, but I don't do much with it. I get dramatically reduced traffic.  When I do get emails they are from much older men in the 50+ age range. I know I'm about to hit 38, but really? 50? I'm perfect with those in the 40 range at this point. Divorced. Fine. Maybe a kid? We'll see. I get it. I'm older. Men always want younger women, so if a 35 yo guy wants a 25-30 yr old. I guess when he turns 50 and applies the same mathematical age range, 30-38 is a logical request. What I think they don't get is that the leap in mentality of 30 to 50. Is much greater than 20 to 30. My point being....online dating? While a good vehicle to attempt to put yourself out there, may have a ceiling at a certain point....the older you are as a single woman once you go past 36-37, the volume and interest will dwindle.

Then there is the reverse.....younger guy and older woman. Bring on the Demi/Ashton. Susan/Tim. Mariah/Nick references. To each his own. Something must work for them.  A 26 yr old emailed me, actually, no! He IM'd me thru a online site. For amusement, I responded. We chatted for about an hour. Having no real notion of ever meeting this guy, I engaged him in a conversation about age and what he was looking for. He told me "age isn't anything but a number". But then proceeded to ask me, "Are you a partier?" Um, no....back when I was your age? Absolutely. I found it ultimately inevitable that age came up when he asked when and where I did things. It was practically impossible for me not to say, "Oh, 10 yrs ago was when I did XYZ" or I worked at ABC company in 1997 (when he would've been 14 yo, btw). He said he found me attractive. Flattering? Yes. Finally it was late and I was losing interest when he said he spends most of his weekends going out to get drunk on the UES. And he should be, but it's not for me.

Then I just get strange emails from online men. Such as the one I received over the weekend that said, "Do you want to set up an adult playdate between the both of us? --- S". Um, no... S, actually, I don't want to set up a playdate b/c no matter if you were joking or not, that sentence is filled with all sorts of innuendo that perhaps some women would entertain, but not I.

20 yrs

My 20yr high school reunion is next weekend. Franklin and his wife are coming into town and they are the only people from high school who will be local that I am interested in seeing. Plus, he had been driving me crazy for the last YEAR that he has been planning this trip out for this reunion. Yes, the last YEAR. I swear every few months he'd contact me to make sure our plans for next weekend were clear.

There are a whole host of reunion activities planned. Bar gatherings, tour of our high school, the reprise of prom at the local and standard hotel ballroom and farewell breakfast. I had not planned on going to any of these events, however, there is a high probability I will wind up at the bar gathering after my dinner with Franklin next Friday night.

Unlike Franklin, high school was not "it" for me. Sure, it was full of angst and fun....I remember all sorts of things and I remember who I was, but it's also not completely the same me that I am today or is it?  It's gotten me thinking about my last 20 years. Oh, what a ride it's been!

When N was here a few weeks ago, during one of our conversations we realized that to drink legally right now, you need to have been born in 1988! E-gads! 1988! We were juniors in high school when these kids were BORN!

With 20yrs ago in my mind, I realized that the shock of seeing things from my youth remastered for the youth of today, is perhaps normal. I mean, I remember when I was growing up and things from the 60's were trendy and my mom saying, "I remember when that was in!". Fast-forward 20 yrs and as trends to reappear every 5-10-15-20 yrs....I suppose the fact that the 80's are alive in well in 2009 shouldn't be all that shocking.

Over the weekend, while at College Girl's place for dinner. Her boyfriend was playing me a dance song he had on his iPod. When I heard it, I said that I knew the song --that it was sampled from a Steve Winwood song from the 80's. He seemed shocked (he's younger) and said, "really? are you sure?". One quick Google search and I proved it. He was shocked that I knew that. I replied, "Don't be. You'll have this same experience sometime soon, I promise."

This morning on the subway, I saw a girl who could've been my twin from 1987. She had on a denim jacket with the arms cut off and a long sleeved back shirt underneath it, black tights, Doc Marten boots, and a floral micro-mini skirt that was more or less like a tight bandage (Betsey Johnson style). I wondered for a moment if I had time traveled, but no...she's probably 20 and just rocking her look.

20 yrs ago this month, I wasn't 17 yet. I didn't drive. I was probably stressing about my college-applications, playing my last season on the girls tennis team, dreaming about being at NYU (luckily that worked out!), being optimistic about a new journey to adulthood and wondering if I was going to get a date to the Homecoming dance.

There are some things still the same 20 years forward......still optimistic about what is ahead for me and  wondering if I'll get a date sometime soon.

Defriending

Pop culture and everything that comes along with it fascinates me. Lately many the impact that pop culture has on our everyday life has taken me to a whole other place of interest, questions and  to a certain extent frustrating me.

We live in the world of YouTube. Within moments you can see video from a performance, a celebrity or some random person's misfortunate embarrassing or hilarious moment, instantly.

I was lucky enough to score a ticket to the MTV VMA's 2 weeks ago at Radio City. Yes, I saw Kayne hijack Taylor Swift LIVE! It was weird. At first no one around me knew who it was, then I thought it was some created MTV stunt trying to be funny. It was evident that no....it was just Kayne being, as Obama said so perfectly, a jackass. I have now paid witness to a moment in pop culture history.

Facebook while initially fascinating, put me in touch with people I haven't thought about in decades or years. Now? This quick infiltration into our mainstream popular culture has gotten to be how you can: date, find out things about your ex's, stalk the objects of your affection, investigate people, or participate in the oversharing from people you know or just don't care about.

I kick myself everytime I learn something about my ex on Facebook. I don't care which ex it is! (Sadly there are several) When I see it something just makes me go, "why are we friends on FB?". It isn't b/c it's a good/bad that I see. It's actually irrelevant what IT is. Somehow it just makes me go, "what kind of "friends" are we that it makes me feel weird?". Maybe that's the thing. We aren't really friends. We don't talk. We don't email or communicate. We are virtual friends....or really, we are just connected in some way via our past. Who wants "friends" that make you feel uncomfortable?

We aren't in each other's lives. But we are in the virtual world.  I don't share much of my life on Facebook for this reason b/c many "friends" of my 150+ are people I haven't seen or spoken to in years. I have reduced the frequency of information I get about some people (a very hard to find function on Facebook, btw), but sometimes in moments of boredom, I go have a look.  Some times it makes me feel bad about myself. I call it emotional cutting. So...as a result, I've started to embrace DEFRIENDING. It's weird and feels mean to do it. But, I am starting to realize it might bring me some sanity. It's like trying to stay on a diet. If you don't buy the cookies, you are less likely to eat them. If I defriend someone b/c they aren't good for my diet, I won't feel bad and gain emotional weight.

When EQ was visiting recently, we had a long discussion about DEFRIENDING. We were curious about what it was and what happens. So we did an experiment one night, sitting next to each other with our laptops. The sight was probably incredibly modern and nerdy. I defriended him.  We wanted to see what a defriended person might experience and how fast the DEFRIENDING results take place. It's immediate, btw.  We then immediately RE-friended each other b/c we really ARE friends! :-)

We then talked about who we would consider defriending. What the message is if you defriend them. What the relationship criteria could be if you decide or want to defriend someone. (We are both consultants, we live in a world of criteria). Is it pett? Are we just playing into drama? Or do we need to do it for our self-preservation?

*sigh*

Do you defriend? Have you been defriended? Did it make you feel bad? Good?

Secrets

Everyone has a secret. I have secrets. You have secrets. It might be big, it might be small. You may have not told many people. We hold secrets for other people. Or maybe they hold ours. So, no matter what... we have one. I wonder if there is a day that no matter how long or how small or how big the secret it, it has to come out. Is it inevitable? Is that the evolution of a secret? That...one day it WILL come out. I suppose sometimes people's secrets are discovered or maybe the day comes where you decide you want/have to let the secret out.

In most cases, I think we trust our close friends and/or family with them. We are probably very selective about how we divulge them. I can't imagine what it is like to keep a secret from everyone you know. I know my secrets are with certain people in my life. Some will never know them. Some know them all.  Maybe the secret seems less of one when you keep it away from those who know you the best and love you the most? But, the point is, SOMEONE knows.

This weekend, someone who has been in my life for a very long time shared a secret with me and it completely stunned me. It left me speechless and in some way, my heart is hurting. I'm just trying to process it all.

It's weird b/c it makes sense and yet it doesn't. I want to freak out, but I haven't.  I want to be there for this person, and absolutely will. But, I realized that while we think that some people we meet or see or know, seem perfect or ok.....everyone has something they carry with them.

I'll tell you a secret. Many people in my life don't know that I have this blog. So, if you are reading this. You know at least one about me.

Fail & Delete

It is a FAIL & DELETE when someone from the online dating world emails you and starts the email with...

'Hello Princess......'

It is an even greater FAIL when he continues on to say, "You probably get this a lot, but you are beautiful both on the inside and outside"

It then gets slightly funny when it says....

"I would like to meet with you at a Starbucks of your choice. Of course, if you are not comfortable with that, let me know where you would be more comfortable. There are no strings attached"

You chuckle. Tell a fellow girl friend about it and then delete the email.

Where in the world

Where have I been?

I keep starting and stopping posts. I either get interrupted or forget. A review of my DRAFT posts indicate that I have started 4 over the last 3 weeks. Still, I suppose it's a far cry from when I used to post practically every day.

Work has been busy. I exist. But, the annoying part is that it comes in fast bursts (I just laughed. Look at that fast & it looks like I wrote FAT bursts) and then it's the-hurry-up and wait situation. I hate that. The culture at my job is a lot of hype. Fundamentally, I'm at the mercy of my client groups, so they drive the urgency. I've learned to space things out, but it still leaves for inconsistent work flows and it completely chips at my motivation. Things with Fake Boss hit a passive-aggressive high last week. It was just 2 incidences where I thought I was going to lose it. But, I took a deep breath and took PL Girl's advice about being "super duper positive" and being the shiny-happy people girl. Not my usual approach. The reality is there is nothing to gain or change if I confront her. I know myself though. My ability to talk myself down will only last so long. There will be a retaliation of my silence at some point.

Much like my work life, my personal life is fashioning itself to be in a similar pattern. Active or quiet. I can't decide how much I like it. Couple the quiet with PMS and it makes for cynical Lost to appear, which is not fun for me, nor is it me.

I went to the Depeche Mode concert last week at MSG. I had somewhat lowered my expectations before we went in b/c we ran into a friend of mine from college. His friend had gone the night before and said that they didn't do much old stuff. I was sad b/c I was big DM fan back in the black-wearing angsty days of high-school. However!!! Much to my very pleasant surprise, they really pulled it out for the classic DM fans! Turns out his friend wasn't much a old DM fan, just from the "Violater" CD forward (y'know "Personal Jesus). I should've checked the set list before I went, but it turned out for the GREATEST! S and I jumped around excited and happily. Dave Gahan sounded amazing! He still has that unique deep baritone voice that's hypnotic. I jokingly kept saying to S, "I want them to play 'master & servant", thinking there was no way the would reach that far back. THEY DID. Then I'd say, "strangelove", they obliged again!! Unfortunately, no "behind the wheel" or "black celebration". But, we got, "never let me down again" and "question of time". So, I'm satisfied.

Did I talk about my meet & greet w/Mr. Cheesy? The 45 yr old?

Nice guy, but dude. Way too heavy with the one-line cheesy bits. It was non-stop. I couldn't really tell if he was serious or just being funny. Apparently, after our meet & greet and at his request for another date, we were email and IM'ing and I discovered that he was being serious.  I struggled. He commented that he might be too cheesy for me, but that he really liked me thought I was "sweet & sexy" (who me?) and wanted to see me again. While part of me didn't find him completely repellant. I also decided that it wouldn't be fair (or would it?) to see him again, if down deep inside my gut told me that I wasn't going to feel ok about it. While some people I think, "I'd see them again to make sure." My gut told me that I might be leading him on. Plus, I feared that after saying ok, an hour before meeting up with him I'd have an uncomfortable freakout about not wanting to go. Which would then be punishing....meaning I didn't follow my gut. Which then leads to me beating myself up for not going with my gut.

Yes. I'm complicated.

I've also been corresponding with the 2nd 30-yr old consultant (I've got a crush on) practically every day! Emails are not about work, btw. After thinking about it, I decided I play it safe too much and decided to just ask him if he wanted to grab drink next week. Don't applaud just yet. .....At the last minute, while writing the email extending this proposal of getting together I found my fingers wrote, "If you have some time next week, do you want to grab a drink or lunch?"

Yes. I wrote....OR LUNCH.

I probably didn't need to do that. But, something inside of me to play it safe, made me do it. Of course, he picked, lunch and said, "let's definitely have lunch - how about wed/thurs". We are going to lunch next Thursday. This was followed with about 10 mins of back and forth time decisions and joking around.

*sigh*